I have heard of harsh love before, but never in wildest dreams thought that it would be something I would have to excercise on someone I cared about. At the very least, not to the extent that I had to exercise it. Harsh love was something that was foriegn to me. I know there are little ways of practicing harsh love. Like telling a child no to anymore chocolate. They cry and whine and are sometimes so hard to resist with their big puppy eyes, but your resolve stays the same: No more chocolate. You don't want them getting sick, and that to you is more important because you love them. Even if they run of proclaiming that they hate you, you still know that you love them and you are doing what is best for them in the long run.

A situation like that can still hurt. No one likes to be told no, and no one likes to tell a loved one "no." But sometimes that's what is needed. We are all fallen creatures, and need to be told no because our sinful desires are selfish. God uses the authorities in our life and even our friends to teach us how to not only think of ourselves. And sometimes, that means the answer is no.

You know, I can think of one major event in my life when my father had to exercise harsh love with me. For the first time in my life it was way beyond just telling me that I couldn't have anymore chocolate. The day after Kris broke up with me, my dad wrote him a letter telling Kris that all communication between the two of us was being cut. No letters, no emails, no phone calls. Nothing. This made me angry. It was only the day after the initial break up and I still hadn't quite accepted that it was actually over. With my dad cutting all communication how was my hope that we were going to get back together someday going to pan out? I cried and begged that my father not send the letter, but he was resolved that it was the best thing for me and sent it anyway. I remember telling him then that I was sick of people making discisions for me and expecting me to be okay with it. Kris didn't ask if I wanted him to leave me, my dad didn't ask if I wanted him to cut communication they just did it. In my mind it was something that effected me and my life a great deal. Both discissions caused me enormous amount of grief and pain, and they both knew that. What I couldn't understand for the longest time was why they had done it anyway? But now I know and understand that it was the best thing for me. I wasn't were I was suppose to be with my relationship with God, and God had another plan for me. Looking back I am so grateful that it turned out the way it did. That didn't mean the process wasn't hard for everyone involved, but look at all the beauty that has come from it? Without that communication break I would not have been able to heal and rely on God the way I was forced too. And that, to me, is a beautiful thing.

And now I have come to a time in my life where I have had to tell someone I care about "no." Harsh love. Knowing I've done the right thing where my friend is concerned doesn't make the process any easier. It's incredibly hard for me to have to tell someone goodbye, knowing that my leaving will make them fall, and fall hard. You know, Chaplin Dan keepes talking about how sin is the breaking of relationships. We were made to live in harmony with one another, but then sins like selfishness, pride, lust, hate, fear, envy, strife, ect. comes in and tares even the family of God apart. I wish things could be different. It seems like more then ever before I'm seeing the effect of sin on relationships and it makes me so sad. I know I've done the right thing, that I was doing my friend more harm then good by continuing to try to help him. But I hate that breaking a friendship had to be the "right thing." My prayer and hope is that others will step in where I had to step out. I know a lot of other people have been effected by this, and others are biased toward one or the other of us. I wish people didn't have to pick sides, even though it is nice to have support. I guess what I don't understand is how people in the family of God can see a need and not at the very least try to help. Maybe it's just me, but I pray that someone will step in. We are the body of Christ! If one member of the body suffers, we all suffer. We are suppose to have beautiful feet are we not? Willing and able to walk into the darkness to be a light for those in the darkness. I believe that means being a light to more then just unbelivers. Even the best of Christians go through "dark" times and need the help of other belivers to encourage and build them back up.

Love and prayers to all!

Simply,

Leah  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe the new year will find me posting more on my xanga. lol.

I don't know if anyone even reads my blog anymore, but that's okay. I'll still update you on how it's been going with me. I'm still a student at a college in MO, and I love it. I have amazing friends who are all there for me, and yes the Lord continues to both bless and strengthen me through various trials and leaps (or most times "steps") of faith. It's good for me though. Teaches me to be content where he has me, but now so content I feel like I don't need God anymore. (That's another something I've learned. Being too content can sometimes be dangerous.)

The last semester was a good for me, and one full of lots of changes. I've learned lots of things about myself. I can't say I like everything I found out, but God is good anyway. I found out I was running. I was running from my problems, my past, and my fears. However, not only was I running but I was rebelling against one person in particular. My ex Kris. I spent almost a year from home and didn't realize till this last semester what I was doing. Now it's all crystal clear. I was running and rebelling, all the time telling myself that I wasn't. That I was over Kris, and that nothing but a glorious future awaited me at college. I had changed my major from English to Music when I transfered to the college in MO, thinking that it was what I really wanted. In reality though I changed it from English to Music because Kris was an English major. We had very similar taste in literature and writing, so I was looking forward to discussing works that I read with him. We already had discussed a lot of writing and favorite authors, and it was something we were going to work through together. So after he broke up with me I changed my major to Music, because I was scared that it would hurt to much to be reminded of Kris everytime I read a work of literature. Especially knowing we were going to work through it together. (That was the whole reason to transfer to a different school right? To get away and leave the pain and the reminders of things that could never be?) I was running. I didn't know I was running, but I was. However, this semester I realized what I had been doing and have now officailly changed my major back to English. I love writing and literature and will always love them. Not even the unwelcome memory of my ex should keep me from what I love. And I've found that I feel much more at peace since I've changed it back. This is right. This is what God intended for me, and he will be gloried though it, and I'll get to do something that I love. (Not that I don't love Music. I do. And I'm keeping a minor in Music. But I have always been a better writer then musician.) I'm happy now.

There are other little things that I've noticed I've done because I was, in a sense, trying to get back a Kris. Little things like cutting my hair. I don't like it short, but Kris liked it long. You know? Little things like that. Kind of a silent "so there" type thing, that really doesn't do either of us any good. And he never got the effects of it anyway because he hasn't seen me since the day he broke up with me. So really I guess it was a comfort thing for me. He betrayed me so I wanted to get rid of everything that I knew he liked about me. Unfortunatly that left me more confused about who I was instead of helping.

However, now I know I was doing all this stuff. God is so good isn't he? He is so faithful when I am not. And now I'm an English major and my hair is getting long again. I feel like that is the beginning a wonderful year for me. I've been foolish and I've been running, but now I know I'm not as over him as I would like so now I know what I need to work on. I can finally, after two years, look the problem in the face and take care of it. No more running. No more rebelling. Just me and God seeing what I've been doing wrong and together working through it. It's wonderful! Yes that means I still have feeelings for Kris that I have to deal with. (Which I hate because I don't want to still care for someone who is married now. That sucks. I'm not gonna lie.) But I'm not running anymore. I tired of running. So with Gods help I'll nip my troubles in the butt and finally let him go. Praise God right?!?

I'm guess the best word to describe how I feel at this moment is relief. I feel like I'm returning to the girl I was before Kris. The one without bitterness. The one who trusted God through everything instead of constant doubts. The one who can laugh her way through life, finding her joy in Christ. The one who was innocent and childlike. I feel more like me now. Me. The Leah I was before. Older yes, and hopfully wiser, but me.

Love and Hugs to all.

Leah or LJ Grace or Lee-lee.